Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The air was thick with penises
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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