A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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