Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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