This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
