I just cut my nipple shaving
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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