I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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