I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
