I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
