I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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