my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
