i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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