I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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