put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
