...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
