I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
