I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
