He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
