my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
