I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
how does that bad decision feel?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
