There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
