Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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