the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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