R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I could make wine with my vomit
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
