I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
