My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
