My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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