PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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