my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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