Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
