He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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