A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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