I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
