so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
