Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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