Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think my moral compass just broke
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
