I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
