i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
