Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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