I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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