I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
