i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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