i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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