note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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