Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
