i would punch a child for taco bell
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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