girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
