dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
