i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm at about main and main street
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
