The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just want to make out with him forever
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
