my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Vodka?
Forever.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh god it's open bar.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
