dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
