She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
