my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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